1. You either trust her, or you don’t.
Jealousy is not an option. Trust is vital
in a healthy relationship. You SHOULD be able to be apart for extended periods
of time without knowing exactly where she is or what she’s doing. If you don’t
trust her, end the relationship, learn about yourself, and don’t start dating
until you’re secure in who you are without her. It’s the only way you will ever
be secure in who you are with her.
The silent treatment is immature and
unfair. If you want to play games, then go back to middle school. Except, you
can’t because that’s illegal and creepy. So, grow up and learn to communicate.
Huzzah! You’ve learned to be mature and
talk about your problems, but this also takes skill and finesse. Be gentle
because the words you say and the way you
say them will have a lasting effect.
It is highly unlikely she meant to hurt you
when she did or said that “one thing” that frustrated you. If it is eating at
you, talk about it. But be understanding and prepared to either: forgive and
let it go after she makes an apology or forgive and let it go anyway when she
doesn’t feel obligated to apologize. This leads me to my next one…
It has actually been scientifically proven
that the world doesn’t revolve around your every whim and desire. Understand
that everything she does that hurts or frustrates you doesn’t necessarily mean
she is wrong or that she should apologize. Sometimes, we have to be willing to
accept certain things for the sake of peace. She’s worth it.
Always, always, always assume the best
about her. Because, to you, she IS the best, right?
·
Respect her thoughts and opinions (even when
they differ from yours) because they are every bit as valid and valuable as
yours.
·
Respect her enough to draw up proper boundaries
for her (and your) protection (see number 8).
·
Respect her moral convictions, even when they
are more or less “conservative” than yours, especially then.
·
Respect her time. She does not owe you all of
it, and she should not be spending all of it with you.
·
Respect her family and friends. She has a right,
a desire, and a desperate need to have loving, close relationships with others
besides you. Treat those people with respect. If she loves them, you should
learn to love them too.
·
Boundaries can and should be: emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.
·
You are not entitled to know everything about
her past. You are not entitled to demand a
place in or your idea of her future. Her knowledge of her past and her ideas of
her future are GIFTS, and she has the choice to let you be apart of them if and when
she deems the time is right.
·
There are plenty of valuable writings (including
Scripture) about physical boundaries. But remember: if she is not worth your
patience to you, then you do NOT truly love her. Period. Break up, and save
yourself the heartache.
·
You are not entitled to know everything she is
feeling all the time, and you are not equipped to adequately help her work
through everything. She needs God and trusted mentors to help her process her
emotions. You are not her counselor.
·
Until you are married, you are not the head of
her household or responsible for her spiritual vitality. She, her earthly
father, and her Heavenly Father are privileged to have that responsibility. You
can be an encourager, and you should always be setting a godly example (to everyone),
but you cannot assume responsibility for her relationship with God. Because
then it’s really just a relationship with you.
Do not compromise your own convictions when
hers allow for things that yours don’t. Hear me: you have the responsibility of
protecting her heart AND your own. She will appreciate you for the righteous
and moral stands you take. If and when you are married, she will appreciate
receiving a heart of conviction that is unbroken and strong. It won’t be that
way if you allowed someone (even her) to break or weaken it. Remember that you
deserve the same respect you are giving her. Respect her and yourself enough to
draw lines and say NO (see number 8 again, and again, and again).
Never ask cowardly questions like, “how far
is too far?” or “are we going to keep going?” Know your convictions and stick to them. If you know in your own heart that what you’re
doing is wrong or that it has potential to get to that point, don’t be a coward
and attempt to alleviate your guilt by asking her if it’s “okay” with her. Put
a stop to it. In this case (and in few others, so don’t get crazy), it’s okay
to “tell her how it’s gonna be.” Speak the truth in love, but be firm.
She wants to make you happy because she
loves you, but she also wants to remain pure and true to her convictions. Only
a coward and an ignorant boy would put her in a place where she has to choose
between the two. And hear me: if you have already compromised and gone too far,
then there is still redemption, healing, and hope for both of you. You have the
opportunity to be the man of God you should be and make a change. Talk to your
mentors, admit to what has been done, repent to her and to God, and set out on the path to healing.
Brother, please don’t wait. Learn these
things and apply them. You and your future wife will be thankful that you did. You
aren’t alone. You have strength and a Counselor who knows you better than you
know yourself—listen and trust Him. You have strong, wise men around you, just
waiting for you to ask for help. They are ready and willing to take a stand
with you. Use the God-given resources all around you (especially prayer) to
become the “man in love” He intended you to be. Then, you will know how to
cherish and protect the heart of the woman you love.
Side note: I used that photo again because I just really love it. That is all.
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