For my first two semesters at university, I took 15 hours a semester—a manageable load that didn’t cause much stress. Taking what many consider to be the ideal amount of college hours left me with plenty of time to get all my homework done, cultivate new relationships, spend my free time reading, writing, and making music, and yes, get slapped in the face by more life lessons than I thought possible in such a short span of time. Whether these lessons were relational, personal, spiritual, or physical, there were plenty of them to keep all aspects of my being busy and keep my mental wheels turning. I learned a great deal from my professors, but there were many days where I learned more after class than I did during class.
Many of those lessons were
difficult, and my pride took several well-deserved blows. Of course, this is
how it should be. That’s what going to college is all about—changing, evolving,
finding out who we really are when the familiarity and protection of home is no
longer available to us. We discover what kind of people we are when our parents
aren’t constantly staring over our shoulders and walking us through life’s
struggles step by step. We learn about personal character strengths and flaws,
and we make pivotal decisions about the habits we develop (many of which we
will continue in for the rest of our lives).
So, I was very much the typical
college student with typical college student challenges—number one being
CHANGE. Change, change, and more change. Though it required much of me, I was
made a better man by the end of semester number one and an even better one
(though still a vast infinity away from where I wanted to be) by the end of
number two. I walked into the beginning of a summer that had already promised
me a great deal of opportunity, confident in my new-found knowledge and
personal improvements. I looked to the future, expectant and enormously excited
for what lied ahead.
Things started off well, fulfilling
and even exceeding most of my wishes. Then out of nowhere, the summer that
followed proceeded to body-slam my idea of what summer would be, right before
dismembering it completely (taking a few bloody pieces of my heart with it in
the process). Reality has a pretty brutal left-hook.
Semester Number 3
Seeing the dust settle after a
season of one unanticipated blow to the heart after another has left me with
some perspective in addition to a fair amount of bruises and uncertainty. One
of my realizations was that I never really left school. I may not be sitting in
a classroom every morning, but coming home has felt more like entering semester
number three than entering a relaxing vacation. One more season of lesson after
lesson…change after change. But this is where the lesson that is affecting me
the most at this juncture in life enters the picture.
When the external, unpredictable
circumstances of life begin to look more like terrifying monsters than
perfectly wrapped packages, you can be sure of one thing—you exist. This is
normal! To quote one of my favorite movies of all time, all we can really do is
“prepare to be surprised.” There is not one moment we live that we can be
truly, 100% prepared for. Because as much as we may fancy ourselves in control,
we actually hold very little, if any control over the events of the future. And
we hold absolutely zero control over the choices of others. The only thing I have true and complete control
over is my attitude; the only person I have control over is myself. It’s
that simple.
It is a fact: frustrating situations,
ill-spoken words, and unhealthy relationships will attempt to draw
uncalculated, unfiltered reactions out
of me. But they cannot cause me to truly think, speak, or act a certain way. I
and ONLY I choose my response to each and every instigative action. The
difference between responding and reacting is usually a split-second’s
worth of second thought. As humans,
our default settings are to make a mad scramble for utter control over our
lives. But this is the principle I am learning: in the end, the only level of control I have is over the internal and the eternal, not the external.
Sadly, many of us become so
consumed with focusing on what we can’t control that we lose sight of the
important things, like figuring out how we can utilize the unexpected
disappointments of life to shape us into better people. We mope like children, fighting over a toy that we don't even know how to play with. When we realize that we actually have the
power to manipulate the things that are attempting to manipulate us, we can
choose to brace ourselves for a refining fire in stead of sitting back and letting everything we
are be completely burned away. To say something like, “I have no control over
the way this is going, so I might as well sit on my hands” is ludicrous. You
may not have any control over the way other people are treating you or the hand
life is dealing you, but you have complete
control over the person you are and the person you are allowing yourself to
become. The world cannot strip you of your identity unless you allow it to.
It cannot add or subtract from the person you are. It will try, but only you
have the power to allow your circumstances to steal pieces of you or add
destructive qualities to you.
Making it Practical: Control Freak, Or Just Controlling and Freaky?
An exercise
I have been doing lately to assist me in remembering and applying this
important concept is taking purposeful control of what are normally involuntary
actions. I’ll blink my eyes a few times on purpose or take a moment to breathe
and just listen to my heartbeat. These little reminders help me remember that I
can choose to let my personal development remain involuntary and reactive in
nature, or I can choose to be intentional and focus on the person I want to be,
regardless of the externals. It requires more thought, patience, and maturity,
but it makes all the difference. By flinching at everything that attempts to
scare me or speaking harshly to everyone who would instigate a fight, I am
handing over control of my destiny to the very situations and people whom I
wish would leave me alone. But if I am marked by patience and perseverance and
grow in wisdom that speaks for itself, then the man I am as I step into my
destiny is a man carrying much less personal baggage.
Constantly remind yourself that you
are only in control of yourself. It will take loads of pressure off, especially
if you have been trying bear responsibilities and burdens that are not meant
for you. Don’t allow the world or the people in it to make you bitter. Choose
forgiveness. Choose peace. Choose joy. Choose LOVE. These are the things you
will carry with you into eternity. This is not easy, but growing up rarely is.
And I think it’s high time we all took a little more responsibility for the kind
of people we are and stopped blaming our character on others.
“You can give a pig a pancake,” but only that pig can choose
to say thank you for it or just complain about not having enough syrup to go
with it. You can give a person an opportunity to grow, but only he or she can choose to respond and change or react and blame.
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