Alright, so it's time to delve into the ever-pressing topic of romantic relationships. It seems as if every writer on the internet, every actor in Hollywood, every pastor in every pulpit, and every magazine has something to say about them right now. If there is a medium of communication in existence, it is most likely heralding something about dating or marriage relationships frequently. And rightly so. These things are important. People have desires and dreams regarding romance, and they want to know if they are making the right decisions in this often-confusing process.
A conversation I had with a friend the other day got me thinking about this topic in particular: what does it look like to find "the one?" Most of us have asked questions like: "is there anyone in the world made just for me?" or "Has God hand-crafted a person that fits every facet of my life perfectly? If so, how do I find that person?" It can seem overwhelming and even hopeless at times. So, I'd like to grace you with some information that has assisted me in this journey.
What follows are three myths we need to take into consideration while searching for life mates. Before I go into the myths, however, I want to take a second to compare the love of your life with Schrodinger's Cat. Schrodinger's Cat was a theoretical physics experiment that essentially stated that a cat put in a box with some poison could be both dead and alive at the same time. Regardless of how you feel about the concept behind this famous "experiment," I would like to present "the one" in a similar fashion.
So, without further ado:
Myth #1: "The one" exists
I hate to break it to you, but there is not a word in all of Holy Scripture that promises each and every person a life partner. And there is DEFINITELY not one that promises a life partner, perfectly pre-ordered and precisely contoured to every shape of your life. Only Hollywood and fairytales promise dreams like this one. And while they are soothing fantasies, that is all they are.
Now, don't get me wrong. I believe wholeheartedly that someone in this world can be everything you need that person to be to have a healthy, life-long relationship. In fact, I believe there are multiple people in this world who can fill that role, seeing as how there are so many choices.
Response: In light of this understanding, we need to know how to handle it. The most important thing we can do is have a solid and honest understanding of who we are and what traits we have that can compliment and be complimented by the traits of others. In other words, know yourself! You cannot go into a relationship with any doubts about your identity. You also need to know what you're looking for! Set aside time to think and pray about the kind of person you would fit well with long term. You may not know exactly who that is, but you can formulate a workable theory, so you'll be ready when you meet someone.
Myth #2: "The one" doesn't exist
Wait, what?! "You just said that 'the one' doesn't exist!" An astute observation, indeed. I did say that. This is where my imperfect Schrodinger's Cat theory comes in. I believe that there is someone who can be so insanely perfect for you that he or she becomes "the one" (though I use the term "perfect" very lightly). The one is both existent and non-existent. He or she is existent in that he or she is probably on this earth right now, but non-existent in the sense that you have options. Though I believe multiple people are capable of filling this role for you, there will be only one who comes into your life at some point to put form and color to the shadow in your imagination. So, in that way, this person does exist. The key is that they may not yet exist in the right form.
Response: In light of this seemingly contradictory understanding, we need to know how to handle it. Re-read response one. Understanding who you are, who you need to be, and the kind of person you need to be with is of utmost importance. The only thing I will add in response to myth #2 is that you need not be discouraged! Have hope! You can look at a world full of billions of people as an intimidating haystack in which you have to discover one person perfect for you. Or you can look at a world full of billions of people as an abundance of choices, ensuring that you won't have to settle. You have time. You have opportunity. You have choices. Don't spend your days worrying; spend them learning and growing!
Myth #3: "The one" will be "the one" as soon as you meet him or her
This flows right out of myth #2. Number 2 deals with the fact that there is a "the one," but number 3 deals with how and how quickly this person becomes the love of your life. Contrary to popular belief, being with someone IS about changing. But it's not so much about changing your identity as it is evolving into a better version of the person you already are. The basic principles and foundation of your identity should be long understood and in place, but the building blocks that are piled onto your character in response to an intimate relationship with another person will change you in many ways.
I have never formed a close relationship (romantic or otherwise) that did not involve some level of change in response to that person's differences. We have all been shaped as people, and we chisel away edges and bend and stretch to fit the shapes of new relationships in our lives. If we didn't change to some extent as a result of our relationships (whether it be in our opinions, the loss of negative character traits, or even just the addition of memories), I would say we haven't really gone deep enough. Things only form when they have been molded.
So, how does someone become "the one?" First, he or she takes the advice of the response to myth #1. Then he or she takes the advice to the response of myth #2. Then, he or she accepts that you are worth the changes that need to be made. Those changes probably won't happen overnight. Realizing that a person's core identity and character is something that lines up with yours is what enables you both to become "the one" for each other. You get to build something together. It has to start with solid, separate foundations, but it can morph into something that fits together so well, you might just think it came out of one of those fairytales.
I'll say to you what I said to my aforementioned friend, "I believe many people have potential to be the one, as a result of time, effort, commitment, and genuine, loving actions. It's a person's character that makes him right or wrong for you. And it's a person's actions that mold his character." If someone loves you enough, that person will do everything in his or her power to become "the one" for you, no matter how long it takes. I think the key is realizing that life with the person you love is spent becoming "the one" you both need each other to be.
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