Lessons From the Oak Tree Man

I don’t have to like everything you like in order to like you…

For the past nineteen years I have participated in something dangerous to myself and to those around me: I have lived apologetically. Instead of living free, I have chosen to shackle myself to cowardice under the false pretenses of courtesy. As a result, I have had to repeatedly double back and start again down the path of making it clear to those around me where I stand.

Pick an issue; I have probably rolled over and conceded to those who believed differently or argued the thing intelligently (or unintelligently) until bitterness, not merely disagreement, divided me from my opponent. I have allowed my desire to be affirmed or correct to overpower my true need for fellowship, or I have abandoned my beliefs (in word anyway) for the sake of cheap relationships. What I’m realizing is that both of these actions are equally destructive and completely unnecessary.

We live in a world where balance and “somewhere in between” is not permitted to exist. That is, you either agree with me, or I agree with you. If one of those two things doesn’t happen, one or both of us feel shortchanged in the conversation and, often times, the entire relationship. At the end of our conversation, what is most important? That we are still people and perhaps even friends, or that one of us is holding some kind of intangible power over the other?

The Oak Tree

Recently I looked on with great admiration and simply listened quietly (something I should do much more of) as a man I respect was having a conversation about his beliefs on certain issues with a few of his friends. As I was listening, all I could think of was a large, pronounced oak tree, standing alone in a forest where all the other trees had been cut down by many combinations of the “wrong conditions.” I knew, however, that if I could cut into this tree and see the rings, they would be too many to count. This tree has been standing for a long time and has amassed a great deal of wisdom along the way.

A Field Filled With Dead Bark and Lame Excuses

All the other trees that have fallen around this one magnificent Oak would offer a wide range of excuses for their various demises, but I truly believe the core of each excuse was this: To them, whatever they believed in was not worth standing for. They valued the admiration of others more than the lasting strength cultivated by an informed belief sy-stem (like my pun?). Most of these trees cared about people thinking they were right more than they cared about actually believing the truth. So, as soon as the saw the immanent death of their arguments at the hands of some other brutal argument, they were willing to topple over for the sake of remaining like the others.

It isn’t even about being liked more or less; it’s about not having to stand alone. What people fail to understand is that this in and of itself is a belief system. It is a feeble one, but it is the belief that human acceptance will bring more fulfillment than being grounded in the truth. Being right for the sake of being right is not fulfilling. But being right about the important things in life is vitally important to one’s fulfillment.

Those who stand alone will often take harsh hits and willingly accept the brunt force of the strongest storms. But, those who stand alone stand because the approval of others is a minuscule offering in comparison to the depth of truth they are rooted in. At the same time, the wisest of those who remain standing offer their friendship and love to others in spite of differences of opinion.

Open Branches

It IS possible to remain standing without closing one’s arms to others. Think about it, if you and I were to get into a heated debate, only to find ourselves unable to come to an agreement, but one of us then opens our arms to hug the other, will the friendship be damaged or strengthened? If someone I just had an intense argument with comes over to hug me afterward, I would be shocked. But shock would quickly turn to admiration and a deep sense of that person’s loyalty. Those are the kind of people I want to build friendships with: the ones who love me on the basis of my personhood not the contents of my belief system.

An Oak Extends an Olive Branch

Two things matter: 1. Standing upon what you believe to be the truth, and 2. Loving those around you, regardless of whether they agree with you. Both of these things can be done simultaneously!

Back to the Oak Tree Man—I was listening to him, and though he was at times a bit more rough around the edges than I would have been, he knew how to stand for what he believed in because he was standing on what he believed in. And, he had the knowledge to back it up. He could respond well to a few “young firecrackers” (like myself), who knew how to make lots of entertaining, but usually meaningless noise without any real substance behind it. He also knew how to extend branches of compromise, peace, and genuine compassion, even when he saw that there would be no victory. Most importantly, he never moved. He remained who he was and let the others around him be who they were. And that was completely okay.

Making it Practical

We need to know exactly what it is we believe and why we believe it.

If you hold strongly to some aspect of your outlook on life, know what it is you're signing up for and what it entails. Don’t blindly accept things simply because dear old dad accepted them. Be willing to let go of old, outdated prejudices, while retaining the beautiful and rich traditions that make human life better. And if it’s a belief you are willing to argue, know how to argue it eloquently and tactfully, while keeping a cool head and a loving heart.

If this particular belief has passed the first two tests, we need to be willing to stand by it, whether others accept it or not.

If you’ve constructed in your mind what is a flawless argument and others are still unwilling to accept it, remember what is most valuable to you. Your faith should not be compromised for the approval of others. Stand with the Oak Tree. Let your roots grow down deep into the soil of truth and gain life from the sweet ground. Your trunk will take hits, but it will remain standing and sturdy if your roots are soaked in the waters of truth.

We need to know how to talk about our beliefs without being unkind to others.

There is no reason that you cannot walk away from a debate on good terms with your opponent. Be willing to leave the fight in the ring and take the gloves off when you get out. Shake hands; hug a neck; high five; whatever it is you do, but don’t harbor bitterness. That helps no one. You never know if something you said may have sparked a light in that person that he or she has not yet fully realized. It could be that the conversation isn’t over, only put on hold for now.

We need to know that it’s okay when we don’t have all the answers.

We have internet search engines, and most of us are surrounded by people smarter than we are. If you don’t have the answer, just be honest, and change the subject. Then, go home and get the answer. If it is a worthy conversation, you can pick right back up where you left off.

We need to know that no matter how alone we feel, we are never truly alone.

In any case, there is always someone who is willing to stand with you. Or, it may be that you just need to spark a little courage in someone around you, who shares your ideals. If you do find yourself standing alone, know that the truth is stronger than one thousand arguments based in lies, and it is a formidable ally.

Be teachable.

You won’t always be right. Accept that. Learn and grow. Don’t give up on the truth just because you are too lazy to seek it out. And, don’t close your mind so much that you can’t hear the wisdom of those who are more experienced.

Stand, firmly rooted. Love with open branches. Grow in all directions. These are just a few lessons learned from an Oak Tree.