Irrelevant Gifts and the God Who Gives Them

Heartbeats

I have so many ideas swimming around in this slightly disproportionate head of mine. I feel as if I have to write as much or more for my own release than for anyone else's enjoyment. While I most certainly hope that my writing has been encouraging to all of you, the readers, I feel as if my truest motivation for writing is simply the maintenance of my sanity. I hate to admit that I feel I'm being a bit selfish, but when God puts something in my heart, I just have to do it. There isn't a lot of space for figuring out the why's or the what's or the who's. God takes care of those things. For now, He says, "write," so here I am, writing.

Have you ever had a passion that burns so deeply inside of yourself, you can't quite pinpoint its origin? It seems to cover the whole of your being and just pulse here and there like an irregular heartbeat. That's where I am right now. I’ll be happily carrying on with my day when all of a sudden, a thumping starts going off in the lobes of my brain like a war drum. Bump bump. Bump bump. It’s not always an idea. Sometimes, it’s just sheer desire to pick up a pen or have a seat at my computer and just start writing down the thoughts I know are bound to flow every time I rip off the doors blocking the channels. It’s often that I arrive at a thesis after I have been writing for awhile because I’m actually learning the lesson I’m writing about at the very moment I am writing about it. Or at least I’m learning that I learned a lesson already that just needed to be put into words.

Do God’s gifts come with return receipts?

So, here is this place I’m in. I’m facing real situations every day I’m alive. Dissatisfied voices are demanding my attention and difficult things are being asked and required of me. I need a stable job. I need to sort out school bills. I need to be more involved in helping at home. I need to spend more time with God. I need to spend more time with my family and friends. I need to get some semblance of a plan, even a short-term plan, for accomplishing the things I know I’m on this earth to accomplish.

So, I’m seeking the job; I’m trying to figure out how to pay the bills. I’m doing more around the house, and I’m seeking God with all the heart and fervor I know how to muster. I’m spending more time with my siblings and friends, trying to simply tell them how much I love them way more often than I attempt to give them advice. That whole “short-term plan” thing is still nothing more than a seemingly-perpetual work in progress.

Doing all of these things well requires a set of skills and some knowledge that I am pretty sure I don’t have. So, I pray. I pray, “God, show me what you want me to do. Show me how I can get better at this or that. Please open up the door for the right job, as I am actively seeking one. Help me be a better brother, son, and friend. Please give me some small idea of what Your plan is for my foggy future, even if it’s just an idea of what I should be doing today…five minutes from now…at this very moment.”

How does He respond? He hands me a pen and a blank sheet of paper. That’s it. I have no idea what in the blazes I’m supposed to do with a pen and a blank sheet of paper. Can a pen get me a job offer? Can this paper help me put broken pieces in a family back together? Do either one of these inanimate objects magically transform into gold I can use to pay bills? Or perhaps, I’m not actually supposed to use them! Maybe, some angelic oracle will appear any second and impart a supernatural word of wisdom about the content of my daunting future! No? Okay, fine. What?! And then…

Office supplies at the dinner table

Then, I get it—not all of it, mind you. But I understand something. Sometimes, we ask God for specific things—knowledge, assistance, skills or talents that seem vital to dealing with certain situations, and sometimes He gives them. Other times He doesn’t. It is often the case that He gives us gifts, tools, and character traits that we would never have expected or even thought to ask for. They don’t always seem appropriate. It can feel like He is playing a cruel trick. “God, You said that if I asked you for bread, you wouldn’t give me a stone!” But He doesn’t give you a stone. He gives you a stapler, and now it’s your job to figure out why the Good Father would give you a stapler instead of the logical, comfortable, sustaining piece of bread you asked for.  

Why is it that God’s methods of imparting grace can seem so irrelevant? Does He give “useless gifts?” Is there any purpose in carrying a stapler into a food fight? You can’t see how these “gifts” apply to your situation. Here’s my thought: maybe they don’t. Maybe, God doesn’t even see your situation as an individual entity, threatening to cave on you at any moment. Maybe these insufferable moments of life look too small to God to even qualify as “a giant that needs to be slain.” Perhaps it looks more like a pesky traffic jam that He knows will be over as soon as you get to your next exit. Pardon my melting pot of metaphors, but I am trying to drive home this point: God doesn’t always give you what you ask for; He gives you what He knows you need. He is busy preparing you for the much more complete, macroscopic picture.

Why am I writing when I feel like I should be actively doing anything else to change my current situation? Because God has sewn it into my very DNA. Because it feels almost involuntary, it is so natural. Because it is the stapler He handed me when I asked for a slice of bread. Because, according to Him, it isn’t time to be doing these other things, and I’m not currently equipped by Him to do anything else. Because even when His gifts feel irrelevant, they still qualify as a few of the endless good gifts that come from His perfectly good heart. So, I’ll write until He tells me to do something else. I’ll keep my ears open until I hear from Him about what my next move is. I’ll keep my head up, my eyes on Him, my pen to the page, and my stapler at the ready as I charge full-force into a food fight.

Adult Children and Personal Responsibility

Prelude to a Fist Fight

For my first two semesters at university, I took 15 hours a semester—a manageable load that didn’t cause much stress. Taking what many consider to be the ideal amount of college hours left me with plenty of time to get all my homework done, cultivate new relationships, spend my free time reading, writing, and making music, and yes, get slapped in the face by more life lessons than I thought possible in such a short span of time. Whether these lessons were relational, personal, spiritual, or physical, there were plenty of them to keep all aspects of my being busy and keep my mental wheels turning. I learned a great deal from my professors, but there were many days where I learned more after class than I did during class.

           

Many of those lessons were difficult, and my pride took several well-deserved blows. Of course, this is how it should be. That’s what going to college is all about—changing, evolving, finding out who we really are when the familiarity and protection of home is no longer available to us. We discover what kind of people we are when our parents aren’t constantly staring over our shoulders and walking us through life’s struggles step by step. We learn about personal character strengths and flaws, and we make pivotal decisions about the habits we develop (many of which we will continue in for the rest of our lives).

So, I was very much the typical college student with typical college student challenges—number one being CHANGE. Change, change, and more change. Though it required much of me, I was made a better man by the end of semester number one and an even better one (though still a vast infinity away from where I wanted to be) by the end of number two. I walked into the beginning of a summer that had already promised me a great deal of opportunity, confident in my new-found knowledge and personal improvements. I looked to the future, expectant and enormously excited for what lied ahead.

Things started off well, fulfilling and even exceeding most of my wishes. Then out of nowhere, the summer that followed proceeded to body-slam my idea of what summer would be, right before dismembering it completely (taking a few bloody pieces of my heart with it in the process). Reality has a pretty brutal left-hook.

           

Semester Number 3

Seeing the dust settle after a season of one unanticipated blow to the heart after another has left me with some perspective in addition to a fair amount of bruises and uncertainty. One of my realizations was that I never really left school. I may not be sitting in a classroom every morning, but coming home has felt more like entering semester number three than entering a relaxing vacation. One more season of lesson after lesson…change after change. But this is where the lesson that is affecting me the most at this juncture in life enters the picture.

           

When the external, unpredictable circumstances of life begin to look more like terrifying monsters than perfectly wrapped packages, you can be sure of one thing—you exist. This is normal! To quote one of my favorite movies of all time, all we can really do is “prepare to be surprised.” There is not one moment we live that we can be truly, 100% prepared for. Because as much as we may fancy ourselves in control, we actually hold very little, if any control over the events of the future. And we hold absolutely zero control over the choices of others. The only thing I have true and complete control over is my attitude; the only person I have control over is myself. It’s that simple.

It is a fact: frustrating situations, ill-spoken words, and unhealthy relationships will attempt to draw uncalculated, unfiltered reactions out of me. But they cannot cause me to truly think, speak, or act a certain way. I and ONLY I choose my response to each and every instigative action. The difference between responding and reacting is usually a split-second’s worth of second thought. As humans, our default settings are to make a mad scramble for utter control over our lives. But this is the principle I am learning: in the end, the only level of control I have is over the internal and the eternal, not the external.

Sadly, many of us become so consumed with focusing on what we can’t control that we lose sight of the important things, like figuring out how we can utilize the unexpected disappointments of life to shape us into better people. We mope like children, fighting over a toy that we don't even know how to play with. When we realize that we actually have the power to manipulate the things that are attempting to manipulate us, we can choose to brace ourselves for a refining fire in stead of sitting back and letting everything we are be completely burned away. To say something like, “I have no control over the way this is going, so I might as well sit on my hands” is ludicrous. You may not have any control over the way other people are treating you or the hand life is dealing you, but you have complete control over the person you are and the person you are allowing yourself to become. The world cannot strip you of your identity unless you allow it to. It cannot add or subtract from the person you are. It will try, but only you have the power to allow your circumstances to steal pieces of you or add destructive qualities to you. 

Making it Practical: Control Freak, Or Just Controlling and Freaky?

            An exercise I have been doing lately to assist me in remembering and applying this important concept is taking purposeful control of what are normally involuntary actions. I’ll blink my eyes a few times on purpose or take a moment to breathe and just listen to my heartbeat. These little reminders help me remember that I can choose to let my personal development remain involuntary and reactive in nature, or I can choose to be intentional and focus on the person I want to be, regardless of the externals. It requires more thought, patience, and maturity, but it makes all the difference. By flinching at everything that attempts to scare me or speaking harshly to everyone who would instigate a fight, I am handing over control of my destiny to the very situations and people whom I wish would leave me alone. But if I am marked by patience and perseverance and grow in wisdom that speaks for itself, then the man I am as I step into my destiny is a man carrying much less personal baggage.

           

Constantly remind yourself that you are only in control of yourself. It will take loads of pressure off, especially if you have been trying bear responsibilities and burdens that are not meant for you. Don’t allow the world or the people in it to make you bitter. Choose forgiveness. Choose peace. Choose joy. Choose LOVE. These are the things you will carry with you into eternity. This is not easy, but growing up rarely is. And I think it’s high time we all took a little more responsibility for the kind of people we are and stopped blaming our character on others.

“You can give a pig a pancake,” but only that pig can choose to say thank you for it or just complain about not having enough syrup to go with it. You can give a person an opportunity to grow, but only he or she can choose to respond and change or react and blame. 

Healthy Relationships: 10 things I would want my little brother to know

1.    You either trust her, or you don’t.

Jealousy is not an option. Trust is vital in a healthy relationship. You SHOULD be able to be apart for extended periods of time without knowing exactly where she is or what she’s doing. If you don’t trust her, end the relationship, learn about yourself, and don’t start dating until you’re secure in who you are without her. It’s the only way you will ever be secure in who you are with her.

2.    If you have an issue, man up and talk to her.

The silent treatment is immature and unfair. If you want to play games, then go back to middle school. Except, you can’t because that’s illegal and creepy. So, grow up and learn to communicate.

3.    When addressing a problem, remember that you still love this person.

Huzzah! You’ve learned to be mature and talk about your problems, but this also takes skill and finesse. Be gentle because the words you say and the way you say them will have a lasting effect.

4.    Never use something she is completely ignorant about against her. Period.

It is highly unlikely she meant to hurt you when she did or said that “one thing” that frustrated you. If it is eating at you, talk about it. But be understanding and prepared to either: forgive and let it go after she makes an apology or forgive and let it go anyway when she doesn’t feel obligated to apologize. This leads me to my next one…

5.    Some things just aren’t a big deal.

It has actually been scientifically proven that the world doesn’t revolve around your every whim and desire. Understand that everything she does that hurts or frustrates you doesn’t necessarily mean she is wrong or that she should apologize. Sometimes, we have to be willing to accept certain things for the sake of peace. She’s worth it.

6.    Go above and beyond giving her the benefit of the doubt!

Always, always, always assume the best about her. Because, to you, she IS the best, right?

7.    Respect her (this one requires bullet points).

·      Respect her thoughts and opinions (even when they differ from yours) because they are every bit as valid and valuable as yours.

·      Respect her enough to draw up proper boundaries for her (and your) protection (see number 8).

·      Respect her moral convictions, even when they are more or less “conservative” than yours, especially then.

·      Respect her time. She does not owe you all of it, and she should not be spending all of it with you.

·      Respect her family and friends. She has a right, a desire, and a desperate need to have loving, close relationships with others besides you. Treat those people with respect. If she loves them, you should learn to love them too.

8.    Let’s talk boundaries (another bullet point-er).

·      Boundaries can and should be: emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.

·      You are not entitled to know everything about her past. You are not entitled to demand a place in or your idea of her future. Her knowledge of her past and her ideas of her future are GIFTS, and she has the choice to let you be apart of them if and when she deems the time is right.

·      There are plenty of valuable writings (including Scripture) about physical boundaries. But remember: if she is not worth your patience to you, then you do NOT truly love her. Period. Break up, and save yourself the heartache.

·      You are not entitled to know everything she is feeling all the time, and you are not equipped to adequately help her work through everything. She needs God and trusted mentors to help her process her emotions. You are not her counselor.

·      Until you are married, you are not the head of her household or responsible for her spiritual vitality. She, her earthly father, and her Heavenly Father are privileged to have that responsibility. You can be an encourager, and you should always be setting a godly example (to everyone), but you cannot assume responsibility for her relationship with God. Because then it’s really just a relationship with you.

9.    NO COMPROMISES!!!

Do not compromise your own convictions when hers allow for things that yours don’t. Hear me: you have the responsibility of protecting her heart AND your own. She will appreciate you for the righteous and moral stands you take. If and when you are married, she will appreciate receiving a heart of conviction that is unbroken and strong. It won’t be that way if you allowed someone (even her) to break or weaken it. Remember that you deserve the same respect you are giving her. Respect her and yourself enough to draw lines and say NO (see number 8 again, and again, and again).

10. Be a man, not a coward. 

Never ask cowardly questions like, “how far is too far?” or “are we going to keep going?” Know your convictions and stick to them. If you know in your own heart that what you’re doing is wrong or that it has potential to get to that point, don’t be a coward and attempt to alleviate your guilt by asking her if it’s “okay” with her. Put a stop to it. In this case (and in few others, so don’t get crazy), it’s okay to “tell her how it’s gonna be.” Speak the truth in love, but be firm.

She wants to make you happy because she loves you, but she also wants to remain pure and true to her convictions. Only a coward and an ignorant boy would put her in a place where she has to choose between the two. And hear me: if you have already compromised and gone too far, then there is still redemption, healing, and hope for both of you. You have the opportunity to be the man of God you should be and make a change. Talk to your mentors, admit to what has been done, repent to her and to God, and set out on the path to healing.

Conclusion  

Brother, please don’t wait. Learn these things and apply them. You and your future wife will be thankful that you did. You aren’t alone. You have strength and a Counselor who knows you better than you know yourself—listen and trust Him. You have strong, wise men around you, just waiting for you to ask for help. They are ready and willing to take a stand with you. Use the God-given resources all around you (especially prayer) to become the “man in love” He intended you to be. Then, you will know how to cherish and protect the heart of the woman you love.

Side note: I used that photo again because I just really love it. That is all.